Its always night like this that my mind wonders around. Its been awhile since I'm feeling this way. Sad, anxious, alone. This empty feeling that has always been around. I've been seeking counselling to feel better but I couldn't be completely 100% honest. Opening up has always been a challenge. I couldn't admit to the counselor what was wrong, what was bothering me and all of that. Its so hard to admit that something is wrong with me. What makes things worse is that all of these has made my anxiety worse and all I want to do right now is die.

Death could be the only way to end of all this misery. People are always telling me that suicide is a selfish act, but is it really? No, I'm not being selfish. I just want to feel better and instead the one stopping you are the selfish ones, no? Despite all of these thoughts, I know I could not have the courage to end this. Something is holding me back.

But, I have reunited with an old friend. Someone who stops the anxiety, someone who stops all the thoughts. And maybe, things might get better. Might.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with depression and other things, the doctor had to prescribed me with endless medicine so that i could "behave". It didnt take more than a year for my parents to pull me out of the medications as my dad says it "made me look lifeless". I didnt agree, nor did I deny them because back then, I was too young to understand.

I'm 21 right now and I've realised the medication doesnt make me lifeless, it just took away the pain that I was feeling. It helped me tame my inner monsters and made me feel numb. At this point, I feel like maybe those medications could help me with my misery and end the pain.

Because I could use some right now.

Mother always tells me that family is important and that we should always trust and rely as they're the only one who are going to help when things go wrong. But here's a thing, what if they are the reason why things go wrong? The one that you trust are the ones that causes all the downfall.
So no, Mother, I will not go by your theory.

Why do you think I'm so distant? All of these past experiences have showed me that family members are capable of hurting you, just like everybody else.

I've been feeling so empty and neglected by everything and everyone. I'm so tired of living in such a cold world. All I wanna do is just die. Theres a hole in my heart that I feel like it couldnt be filled.

Death, the only escape to misery.

These thoughts are getting more and more real now. 

It takes courage to make everything come true.

When it happens, things will be okay again.

And I will be okay. 

Obviously, I have a problem. 

A problem of letting things go. A problem of letting people go. 

I understand that deep down, holding on to something unhealthy would kill me, but the stupidity inside of me still does it anyway. I'm still going to end up holding on to something or someone that are capable of hurting me. I cant blame them because I cant stop what they'll do, but I can only blame myself for not letting go. 

Of course these thoughts only came when I'm all snuggled up in my bed and the clock strikes midnight. These thoughts are the cause of my insomnia, these thoughts are the cause of why I have to spend amounts of money getting eye creams for my dark circle. 

If only I can stop myself. 

Goddamn it. 

I'm hurting. 

I'm just hurting myself emotionally. 

Why the fuck am I like this? 

What happened?