Its wrong to stay, it hurts to stay, but I still lingered around hoping for at least something good will come.

I need to stop doing this to myself. 

I need to leave. 

Since this is my blog, I'm just gonna get down and talk shit here. 

No, I'm not talking shit about anyone, just my usual ranting and all. 

-

I never really talked about my relationship stories, but here goes...

So I might have a little problem with myself a lot. I dont know if I have low self-esteem issues, or the fact that I have commitment issues. Well, I dont think I have any commitment issues, maybe I do have a little of low self-esteem issues. 

I mean, I know I'm a very angry and fucked-up girl and maybe thats why I never wanted to be in a relationship. I let that fact ruin all my potential relationships. 

I mean, I could possibly write down an endless list on why I'm so fucked up in the head. I think that by the time I write the tenth one, that boy would probably run, hide and never come back. 

Is this like protecting myself from getting hurt then? 

-

Meh, this post is getting all over the place and so pointless. 

I'm going to end it now, so adios my little sunshines!

Hugs and kisses from hell.

xoxoxo

Hiiiiiii! It's been awhile!

Guess what? I'M DONE WITH O LEVEL. How fan-fucking-tastic is that?! I'm not even kidding. 

I literally went crazy after my last paper. No more studying and revising, and staying up late to studddyyyy! I can get a proper beauty sleeep and STILL wake up late morning without worrying bout schoooool! 

-

So I'm blogging all the way from Indonesia. I've been here since the start of November. As I've been here for the last few weeks, I watched as my mood drop little by little every single day. I cant stand it here, and I very much wish to go back to singapore. 

Do you know how hard for me to communicate with everyone here? And since I have no friends here, I only hung out with my cousins. I cant even emphasize how sad is that. They're either too matured for me, or too fucking fucking immature for me. 

I dont mind just hanging out with the mature one, but those immature ones are probably the worst people to hang with. Especially this certain little girl.

OHMYGOD, I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. 

I used to like her so much, she was cute and just plain adorable. But now, the minute she start talking, I just want to kick her in the face and cut her mouth with a saw -if that was possible- 

SHE DONT THINK WHEN SHE SPEAKS.

SHE'S FUCKING HYPOCRITE. (She makes fun of fat people, yet she's fat too.) 

AND, just because I dont want to sleepover at her house, she say 'If you dont, I dont wanna be friends with you.' EH HALLO, I DONT FUCKING CARE. '

-

That's the least of the problem though. I dont get the respect I'm suppose to get. I know, I sound like a bitch, but cmon! I'm still human, its fair enough that if you want me to respect, then you gotta respect too. Do you know how sad it is when people decide to drown your voice and think its okay to interrupt when you're talking just because you're a kid. I hope that makes sense. 

I mean, seriously? I know I'm 18 at all, but they way you're acting towards me is like you're fucking underestimating me. EH, like you're any better. I get left out, a lot. I just dont fit in, no matter how hard I try to. 

Thats probably why I'm pushing myself away from everyone. I just dont fit in and I know that. It's best to push myself away before I get upset more. 

-

Speaking of pushing myself away, I feel like I tend to do that more now. I dont interact much anymore and I just dont want, to you know. 

This post is getting so negative. I think I should end right here, maybe with a silly picture of me.

There you go. Now, Adioossss Amigos. 

Its been exactly a week since I've graduated from my school and next monday will be the day I'm doing my O level, which is why I've posted the saaaad picture there. I am nervous and scared as hell, but with all the support I'm getting, I think I'm able to pull through.

-

On a serious note though, I want to write a -sort of- graditute letter here. 

So here goes, 

I remember the first day of school like it was just yesterday. I was wearing my red tshirt and my skinnies, hoping to make a good first impression. Not going to lie, I was nervous and excited at the same time. I am never someone who casually make new friends and would most likely be labelled as anti-social. So, I made a vow that I will step out of my comfort zone and seize this chance of making new friends and life. And, I did. 

This year have been an unexpected struggle for me. I should have seen it coming, seeing that I am a drop out and havent been studying for almost a year. I was a little... rusty. I never thought it'll be this bad, but I'm glad I am strong enough to pull through and survive.  Of course, I couldnt do it alone. I had people around me that is giving me all the support, including my new friends. 

-

 Clearly, I am in a mess. Dealing with this and that. Sometimes it got so bad, and everything was just terrible. At one point of time, a lot of things were going through my mind.

I was starting to lose faith in myself, starting to believe that I was so fucked up in the head,

that I was a mistake, that I very much deserve to die. 

Every little problems was bottled up, and when its finally full, everything spilled. Everything just went rock bottom. 

That was when I realise I was not alone. I have real friends (not those stupid ones) sticking by me, and most importantly, my parents. I knew that I need to be stronger than that, for the sake of not disappointing them. I finally understood that after the storm, comes the rainbow. No matter how bad things are, there's always the good that follows behind. Life is a roller coaster after all.

-

I think this post is long enough to make up for the time that I didnt update, hahah. 

Well thennn, I should be sleeping now. Gooooodnight, my little sunshines. 

ME LOVE YOU LIKE ME LOVE LITTLE BUNNIES ♥♥♥

I'm done. Done with all the bullshit I have to go through. 

A few things happened since the last time I've updated. It was so crazy. Up, down, up and down again. When something good happens, bad things follows. And sadly, I'm not strong enough to actually handle those. It was just insane. 

-

I managed to actually build up my friendship with Huiyi, the twins and Yong sheng again. Smaller group make things so much easier, I swear. Plus, it's less stressful and definately no pressure. Though I do enjoy big group outing once in a while. 

Anyway, we spent a lot of time together and everyone seems so happy. No more fake smiles, no more conflicts, just laughter and shitloads of sexual jokes. 

No matter how bad things get, they're still the one to make everything so much better. 

-

Speaking of awesome friendships, I could never get enough of how much I love Hanna to bits and pieces. She's like probably the best little ''sister'' ever. She would always be there for me whenever I feel so annoyed, pissed, angry, upset. She's there to listen, and I feel so much better after spilling my guts out to her. Seriously, I thank God that I get to meet such a adorable girl like her ♥

-

Of course, every good always comes with a bad. After all, life is never easy, my friend.

I thought I've controlled my anger issues and my panic attacks, oh boy, I was so fucking wrong. Obviously I wont describe in details what happened and what was going on, but yeah, I officially lost it. I lose my patience and basically almost created a scene. Almost. Not only it happened once, it happened probably twice. I mean, what the fuck? 

On the brightside, everyone seem to forget it... I think. 

-

Another thing before I sign off and should really get to bed, I wanted to write something to someone who probably mean a lot to me. This is my blog afterall, and I know he doesnt know anything about my blog, and only my close friends know about this. 

I never got a chance to say this because I was so scared and was fucked up enough not to say it, but I really just wanted to get this off my chest so badly. 

Alright, here goes ..

Dear.. , 

I am very sure you will not be reading this, thats why I'm writing it here. 

So I am currently waiting for you to reply my text or just talk to me even though I know I wont be getting any, but you know, I still hope. I know that I probably fucked up a lot and I know I've wasted your time a lot by asking you out to just chill with me. The thing is, after I found out about my feelings towards you, I just cant stop being scared and nervous. Scared that we wont have mutual feelings, and that I will get hurt. I know that I'm seriously wasting your time by just keeping quiet. Cant help but feel nervous you know. 

I know that you know about my feelings, I mean, I've written that in the letter I gave you for your birthday present and I even said it through a text. I rather you just reject me if you dont feel the same way than keep me hanging there, because I can tell you right now that I am hanging on and afraid to let go. I want to know how you feel exactly. I dont expect you to like me back, but I just want to hear it straight from you. It makes things so much easier. 

I really hope you would trust me on this. 

With that said, here I am, confessing to someone who probably wont see this, 

I like you, a lot, more than a friend. 

With much love, 

Sarah. 

♥

Hiii my little sunshines!

The last time I've updated my blog was when school just started, and that was last month so I guess that was a looooooooooong time ago. But, well, at least I'm here to update again right?

-

That picture up there ^^^ is my classmates and I love them to bits. 

I know, I did complained about my class before and to my other friends, but I guess thats because I didnt take time to actually bond with them. But, you know, after going to church and movies with them, I've grown to like and enjoy their company. And probably because I've open up to new people. 

School is still as hectic as it is, and it's still being sucha bitch. I managed to improved though, with the help of a certain annoying classmate (heh), and the encouragement of my babygirl of course. 

-

So if anyone had been reading my blog since the past few posts, then you might know that I've been having trouble with all that effed up and complicated friendship. I'm proud of myself for letting go and moving on. 

I rather have small circle of friends who are true than a bunch of friends who are fake. 

I'm content with the friends I have right now. My classmates and a few other friends who stood by me. So thank you, I truly appreciate that. 

Out with the old, in with the new, right? :)

-

I'm going to end this post before it gets long. 

Adios ~

Oh haaaiiii, it's been so looooooooong and I apolagise for not updating!

I know I couldnt took a normal picture, but cmon, this pullover hoodie is so cute that I just got to take picture of it! Annnnd, it's hard not to act like a effing cat if you have those kind of hoodies right? Let me say this is not immature.

-

So, school has just started last week and I'm still in my holiday mood!

Chinese O level oral is next weeek. I'm not bad at talking but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get nervous and start having panic attack. Oh God, bless this poor soul. 

-

Life's been.. well, you know, a bitch still. Although it gets a lot better, but its still worse.

I'm slowly letting go of the past, and start moving forward. I mean, why would I want to hold on to something that hurt me before and no doubt going to hurt me again in the future right? 

By letting go, means forgeting all the bad memories, it will also means that it's a starting afresh. 

I've deleted more than half of my contacts so that I would restrain myself of contacting people I shouldnt be contacting and yes, I'm planning to push them out of my life. If they want to find me, they'll find me. There's no need for me to look for them right. 

-

My lesbo best friend came to visit the other day all the way from Taiwan and we spend most of her stay together despite me having school. She would even wait for me near my school and we'll hang out after that. That is soooo effing sweeet! ♥

Although we didnt get to go to the Harry Potter Exhibition which I desprately want to gooooo :(

-

Alrightt, I guess this is enough for an update.

Adiossssss my little sunshines!

ME LOVE YOU LIKE ME LOVE BUNNIES ♥

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. 

This happened again. ALL THIS BLOODY SHIT HAPPEN AGAIN. 

I mean, of course, I'm always the bad guy here because I never was given a chance to fucking explain. 

Even if I do, I'm the bitch who is still at wrong just because Im too straightforward. 

When I said she have attitude, I NEVER said I dont right? Here I am, trying to spend the whole entire journey home typing that fucking message and trying to make it seems less harsh, and what response do I get? NOTHING, like no one ever cared at all. 

Fucking hell. 

You know what, I'm going to say this once and only once. 

All of you never hear my side of the story, but instead blaming me. How about trying to fucking listen just ONCE? Dont EVER assume and dont EVER judge by just listening to one side of the story. Here I am, trying to explain and hope everything is going to be okay again, but did it? NO. 

Instead everyone just fucking brush it off and still think it's my fault. 

You think I dont even care about this friendship at all? I would have cared if you guys do. But seems to me like none cared. I should have walked out on your guys but did I? No, because I still hold on to that tiny hope even though I know it's going to hurt. 

I'm trying too hard to let this go now, but do you really you think I can? The way I see it, I cant because everyone fucking mean the world to me. Walking out will means throwing the other half of my life away and I wouldnt want that. But right now, I was so close to doing it because it seems like everyone is turning away again. 

I know you're all tired, SO AM I. You think I'm not? I still have shit to worry about and this is just fucking stressing me out. I'm not always the happy-go-lucky kind of girl you think I am. I still have problems and I know you do too. 

Two choices, 

Let go, and walk away 

or 

Get over this and get back on how we use to be.

I'm scared, always been scared. 

What now?

I'm on the edge, I dont know what to do. 

So, I have no idea why I'm blogging today. Wasnt planning to blog actually but I'm going to. 

It's exactly 11:55 pm right now, and I'm surrounded with so many worksheets and notes.

I'm tired, physically and emotionally. 

I'm studying maths now, but I'm going to have chinese exam tomorrow. 

I'm more worried about my chinese instead of the other subjects. 

I feel that there's more pressure in that subject and I really want to drop that stupid subject. 

I'm on the verge of crying now, if I messed up this year, I dont think I have the strength to have a go again next year. 

Looks like I just have to work hard..

Its friday today and I've been having a tough week. I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but I just cant help it. Havent got any sleep either because I've been having a lot of things in my mind. 

I just need an assuring hug and someone who would just listen to me. 

I'm really on a negative side lately, I dont know why. I'm promise I wont be sad anymore, yet I'm breaking that promise this very minute. 

I dont know anymore. 

I thought I have everything planned out, everything under control, but.. I guess not. 

I dont want to cry every freaking night like how I used to anymore, but th thing is, I'm doing that now. I'm just so stressed and I dont know how to deal with it. 

School, family, friends, boys. 

ITS ANNOYING. 

I need to get this out of my mind. NOW. 

K, bye.

I have been in such an upseting mood lately, listening to sad songs, I honestly have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I'm being such a hypocrite. Saying things like people shouldnt be so emo and shit, but yet, here I am, feeling and acting like one. 

I dont understand why. It's so complicated, or maybe it's just me looking at things a little too complicated even though its not? 

Or maybe I'm just having one of those days. Sigh, I dont know. 

-

School is seriously a pain in my ass. And no matter how many times I told myself NOT to run away from situations like this, I'll run and hide in the end. I know I should stop being such a wuss but, I cant help it. 

-

Family doesnt seems to be much better. It's the same thing, over and over again. I feel that I wasnt suppose to be part of it. Maybe there was really something wrong with me. 

-

I should probably look things in a more positive way. 

I need assuring hugs/ice cream/hot chocolate/some shopping or all of the above to actually lift up my spirits.

I should have another 'me' day outing where I could just chill, and not worrying about complicated stuff. 

-

Kayyy, bye sunshines<3

Here I am, blogging. I feel bad for neglecting my blog, so I've decided to give a little update. 

-

School have been such a bitch to me lately, I swear. 

Homework after homework after homework.

Revisions after revisions after revisions. 

It's an endless cycle, and it's driving me nuts.

But, nonetheless, still got to strive on if I want to do well. 

On the bright side, I made a new friend! He's from my Myanmar, and well, Vivian says he looks like me, kind of. Either I look like a dude, or he look like a girl - I'm implying the latter though (I swear I dont look like a dude)

-

Finally celebrated my belated birthday yesterday, which was on a saturday with my family. 

And I feel so fucking ''emo''. Getting ignored again... No matter how much I want to numb that feeling, I still cant. Cant do anything about it I guess, just have to suck it up.

Two more days and it's my birthday. 

How awesome is that? 

I had a fan-fucking-tastic time yesterday, and no, it's not a sacarsm. 

I mean, seriously, like, yesterday was probably th one of those few times that was so fucking enjoyable. 

Anyway, we had a bbq gathering to celebrate one of my friend, Yong Sheng's birthday, which is like, th next day after my birthday) and we celebrate it with his family. 

Steven and I had a few sodas and it left us with a little.. okay, not a little, HIGH. 

We're having sugar rush, like seriously hard core major sugar rush. 

At th end of th day, we threw Yong Sheng into the pool, it was like damn cool. 

-

Cut th story short, I had fun yesterday. I have been having such a hard time coping with school work and shit, so I guess it's okay to enjoy once in awhile. 

Even though my momma is totally unhappy with me going home late yesterday.. and th past few weeks. Oh well, life goes on. 

-

Kaayyyy, buhbye sunshines <3

As you can tell from th picture above, we recently had our little ''reunion''.

Chinyee, Alicia and I had a little scheme actually, but failed miserably but nonetheless we still had fun. We just sit at CivilServiceClub and reminiscene about back in the days (you know, our secondary school days, we're not that old).

And... 

GUESS WHO'S BACK?!

If you looked at the picture right below, is my dearest best friend, Mr Yijie, a.k.a Andric (I still prefer Yijie though). 

And yes, my face is obviously censored my a red heart because my expression is pure... blah. 

This probably be the only ''decent'' picture taken, I guess? By decent I mean, clearer. 

I cant deny how much I really miss this kid. 

Like, I really really really missssssss him okay. 

We didnt see each other for like, a thousand years!

Okay, thats exagerated, but... we didnt see each other for such a long time. 

Still, I'm glad we finally reunite that day *smiles*.

With love, 

Sarahhhh:x

Writing stories used to be an escape from reality for me.

And I have to admit, I do wished for all this good stuff to happend. 

Just like your typical story you read. 

Where parents will accept you for who you are,

Where friends are those people who you trust and not lie to you, 

Where your Romeo will sweep you off your feet. 

But...

They're all too good to be true. 

No such fairytale in reality. 

-
Reality just smack me where it hurts.
I am just a weak little being that was trying to survive in this hell hole.
I feel so lonely, feel unloved, feel alienated.
Where is my pillar of support?
Where is the love?
Im surrounded with family and friends but whats the point?
What the point of having such luxury if they're the one that makes you feel lonely?
This has to stop. 

So I was pretty upset and angry at my physics teacher today. Okay, so we always had a small quiz after every chapter we learn, and so far, I've been failing really badly because I didnt study and I'm not going to actually deny that. So, recently, we just finished learning chapter 8 for physics and it was about kinetic matter and shit like that. Since I had learned this chapter before so after a little bit of revision, I can pretty much pass this test and true enough I did pass. I even got a 8/10 for the quiz. I was kinda happy with myself and told my teacher that I improved. I was hoping he would agree but his respond was disappointing. Basically, what he said was ''yeah, you know yourself uh, whether you got..'' So what's he trying to interprate is that, he suspected that I cheat on th test. 

So.. 

WHAT THE FUCK. 

I can swear upon my life that I did not cheat. When he said that, I was really upset and disappointing. I get that he is not very fond of me, but still, thats not a way to put your fucking student down. Really so upsetting that a teacher like you can actually said such things. 

Especially when he said this to someone who is really sensitive and easily offended person (me). 

It really makes me doubt whether he's actually a good teacher or not.
-
Another thing,
I feel unloved.
The thing is, I lived with my cousin and my parents. Whenever we're talking all at once, my voice would always drown and get ignored. Every single fucking time.
And when I raised my voice a little bit so that they would hear me, I always get scold  by mummy dearest that I was yelling.
And whatever my cousin have to say, they would always listen to her first.
Look,
I'm sorry for talking too loud so that you could hear me.
I'm sorry for failing all my subjects and not catching with classes because I'm a slow learner.
I'm sorry for talking so rude because I was trying to prove a point while you think I'm talking back.
Most importantly, I'm sorry for feeling this way.
One way or another,
I'm still a failure for not getting such a good academic result.
I'm still a rude daughter for trying to speak my mind.
I'm still invisible for trying to express myself. 

-

Going to end this.

Stereotypes,

Okay, so I know I probably should be studying now since i'm having mid terms next week. But, I have to seriously address this shit.

First thing first, I would like to say that, 

I REALLY DESPISE JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE. 

Like seriously. 

Calling people fat, ugly, unattractive and, most hurtful things like sluts or whore. 

I'm not those type of girls who doesnt care about what people say about me, because obviously, I'm very sensitive and self-concious being. I'm very insecure about myself. Especially when people call me fat - and no it's not a fucking joke. 

My weight is something that I'm very concious about. 

Okay, next thing is; 

Calling a girl slut doesnt make you any better. It takes a bitch to know a bitch.

Just because someone dress very ''openly'' and showing a lot more than they should have, doesnt mean that they're a fucking slut. They're just very confident and happy with themselves, it's not like they're going around humping the shit out of all the guys out there right? 

Honestly, I never been called a slut before, at least not in my face (im pretty sure they do behind my back), but I can pretty much guess how much some girls are hurt because they're called a slut. 

So this is what pisses me off. 

Which bring me to my next point, 

People that assume and jump into conclusions. 

This is another matter that pisses me off. 

This is what I mean : 

1. I take picture with different guys because I'm a flirt. 

2. I have a best friend who is a boy, means he's my boyfriend. 

3. I know and talk to a lot of guys, because I'm a slut. 

4. I'm very depress and put a lot of emo status, because I have no life or trying to get attention.

5. I'm very quiet, because I'm unfriendly

Seriously? Is this how far people can go?

People are free to make friends with whoever they want. Be it guy or girl. 

I dont understand why people are jumping into these sorts of conclusions. 

I am utterly disgusted by how cruel the human race can be. 

-

I know this is such a long ass post, but I seriously need to get this message across to those ignorant bastards out there. 

Stop being a judgemental prick and putting labels on everyone. 

You wont get your point across, but you'll only show how stereotypical and an asshole you are. 

Have some respect.

Okay, I'm done ranting. 

Peace.

Drop

I'm starting to feel that I dont know what exactly I want. 

I dont know what's happening to me anymore. 

Worst of all, I dont know who I am anymore.

I'm probably making th worst decision in my life for doing this, but I have to. 

This is such a selfish decision, I know.

-

I'm taking a break. Taking a break from everything and just concentrate on my studies. 

I've already missed out a year, I've already wasted a year and I'm not going to lose this one. 

I keep telling myself I got to be strong and got to stop getting distracted.

But, it's not as easy as everyone think it is. 

It's more complicated than everyone thought it would be. 

Sighh, I'm probably making things difficult for myself.

Then again...

who am I trying to fool? Acting all strong and tough? Acting like I dont give a fuck about anything?

Lying has been a big part of my life now. 

The biggest lie I told was to myself, and that is ''everything is going to be fine'' .

I probably could list down all th things I lied to myself in a piece of paper and it would be half full. 

I think I lied to myself more than I do to people. 

-

Yeah, I was right, life isnt going to be all perfect. 

Incredulous,

Hiiii. 

So school has been a dick lately. Homework and tests. 

Worse of all, I got grouped with some people that I dislike.. not wait, not some, but most. 

Die, man, die. 

How th fuck am I going to survive this hell hole?

I hope things will get better in school though.

-

Been hanging out with Junming a lot this week and I think I'll never get tired of this. 

I went to his house for th first time and I finally get my hands on th damn PS3. 

Yep, I know I suck 'cause I never play PS3 before. 

First time playing it and I'm already addicted to it. 

Now I just got to think of a way to convience my momma to get my PS3 or xbox or shit like that. 

-

I got my last vaccine today and it's fucking pain. 

My left hand is still numb from th injection and it sucks. 

I cant do things properly. 

I. HATE. INJECTION. 

I hate that little needle poking throught my skins. 

Its horrible. 

-

Okayyyyyyy, I honestly dont know what to update about. I thought that it might be time to update, but I dont know what to say. 

Aishh, 

okayy, I shall just stopp here. 

Peach out, sunshines <3

Sarahhh:x

V Day,

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you have a great day with your love ones and your friends! 

Valentine's Day isnt about just spending time with your other half, it's about loving th people around you.

-

I dont unsually celebrate Valentine's Day. 

No wait, honestly, I hate Valentine's Day. 

Especially when people started posting everything about Valentine's on every social network. 

Like, calm yo tits humans.

These are the top three annoying things about Valentine's Day, 

1. People start whining about being #foreveralone. It's fine to complaint once, but dont have to repeat it again. 

2. People start showing off about how many boys/girls asking them to be their Valentine's partner. 

3. Lot's of girls lost their V card on Valentine's Day because apperantly they think that their freakin virginity is th best present they could give to their boyfriends.

I dont have a problem with Valentine's Day, neither do I feel lonely on Valentine's day.

But! my point is, Valentine's Day is pointless, if you love someone, why treat them special only on that specific day? (Yeah, cliche, I know) 

-

Alright, issues aside, 

I hope you guys had a very good Valentine's day with the people around you.

Peace out yo, 

Sarahh:x

Pure Lies,

A bad habit of mine ; feeling bad. 

I cant help it, th guilt is eating me alive. 

But, some things are not ment to be said, so I would not mention anything, or anybody. 

-

I dont know if I'm making the right choice. 

Throwing everything aside might be a bad decision, but then again, it was never with me th whole time.

I guess all this time what I've been doing is just lying to myself. 

The truth is laid in front of me but I refused to accept it. 

Reality hurts, thats what I got to keep telling myself. 

-

Shall go now, having my pilates class tomorrow morning. 

Adios, 

Sarahhhh :x

I am emotionally drained. 

I dont even fucking know how th fuck am I going to survive. 

Seriously, when things went smoothly, why does life have to screw everything up?

:/

Yesterday was 4th February. 

''Dearest'' 18th birthday. 

 I dont know if I should still call her 'Dearest' or not. 

I wished her a happy belated birthday today, and I dont know why, I suddenly teared up when she replied her thanks with that smiley face. 

Honestly, I dont know how to described my current feelings right now. It's just a mixed of everything. 

She used to be my best friend and fate-mate, she picked me up when I was at my lowest pit. We never had a fight in our two years of friendship until March 2011. 

When I decide to stop school and leave her behind. 

Truthfully, I felt really bad for leaving her behind, but I cant simply tell her th truth because she might think it's just a excuse of not studying. I wanted to tell her, but didnt instead. 

This caused our first and last arguements.

Since then on, I never contact her anymore, totally didnt talked to her. 

So when I told her happy birthday through facebook today, I felt really... weird. 

I actually miss her... my best friend. 

A little message for her, 

You're probably thinking I took this friendship for granted. Honestly, that's not my intention. I know I should probably tell you th truth on reasons why I did all this. You have been a greatest best friend in th whole wide world to me and I really appreciate that. I know this might be too late to say all this, but I just wanted to get this message across. I dont need you to forgive me, I just want to convey my feelings to you. 

Bottom line is, 

I'm sorry, 

-

I finally went out with Alicia and co(s) today with Love.

How I'm feeling today was how I used to felt last time. 

And, trust me, I dont like it. 

I thought things would probably be back to how it used to be, but, guess not:/

I dont know why, I felt so awkward.

It kinda made me feel weird insides, and its not a good feeling. 

Sigh. 

-

When things are going perfect, life just got to fuck us up again. 

Your's Truly, 

Sarahhh:x

Party Like Us,

Hiiiiiii.

Dont mind th title, it's just a song name that I'm currently obsessed with. 

LOL.

-

It is already th second month of th year. Things are going well for me... for now, at least. 

I just finished my week 5 tests and I'm not too sure I'll do well in it.

So, I guess in terms of school, its still manageable. 

-

I finally found my inspirations on my upcoming photos, I'll prolly start taking th picture when I figured out th damn dslr. 

If all fails, I'll ask Alex to take pictures for me. 

Butttt, it cant be that hard.. right?

My plan was to take pictures and write stories behind it. 

Let's hope I can fufilled that because th last time I said that I was going to do something, I didnt. 

Yepp. 

-

Skins season 6 episode 1 is finally out, I think it came out ages ago, but I dont know. 

Anyhoo, it finally came out! 

Unfortunately, I cant find th damn video. 

Fuckkkkkkkkk.

OMG, I had this super huge lesbian crush on Freya Mavor. 

She's insanely gorgeous, and definately hot. 

-

Adios, 

Sarahhh :x

Tonight,

How I wish I could disappear forever, running to a place where no one can find me. 

How I wish I could dig up a hole and bury myself inside so I wont face anyone. 

How I wish I could lock myself away in a room so I wont destroy the peace outside. 

I'm really such a big failure. 

I dont even know why I'm not dead yet. 

Why cant I just face th fucking fact at all, and instead decide to run away from it. 

I'm a fucking coward. 

I keep blaming everyone around me, without ever realising that I was the one responsible for my own mistakes. 

-

I'm done, I'm fucking done. 

I'm sick and tired of this life. 

Seriously, fucking tired. 

-

Kbye,

Nostalgic.

It's chinese new year eve now. I just had reunion dinner. 

I cant described how I'm exactly feeling right now, because it's a mix of everything. 

You know the feeling when you're in a place where you know you dont belong at all? 

Yeah, I guess thats just how I'm feeling mostly. 

Yeah, yeah, I know it's gonna be chinese new year and I shouldnt be all upset and shit. 

But, I just cant help it. 

-